It seems to me that the teenage years are far more complicated for today’s teenager than when I was one. We had the 60s with the explosion of music, drugs and flower power which allowed our parents to believe we were on the verge of permanent delinquency but true rebellion did not tend to come until late teens, from age 16 onwards, whereas today, in many families it can start as early as 12.

By Frances Holman

Much of what the children are doing is a continuation of their normal behaviour just more ‘in your face’. And, because they are bigger, often taller than mum, this type of attitude can feel more threatening or difficult to deal with.
Teenagers are also old enough to walk out of the house for extended periods of time which leads to major concerns as to their safety. Instead of just being relieved that they have come home in one piece, their return is often the start of a dispute about where they have been and what they have been doing so running the risk of them leaving again, once they have changed their clothes and raided the fridge.

Embarrassing scenes
Peer pressure is at its greatest at this stage and maintaining the ‘cool’ image in the face of every eventuality is very important. They will never let their guard down when peers are present and for a parent to hint that they have done so in the privacy of their home is simply going to result in accusations that they, parents, do not understand. In this instance the teenager is correct as all the parents have done is to embarrass their youngster in front of their friends. There is an image to be maintained, whatever they are feeling inside, and this is all important, so to try to overtly conflict with it will inevitably result in disharmony. With regard to clothing it is important to let the child express themselves and although we may not approve, within reason and budget and where appropriate, the parents should allow the child freedom of choice. Quite often what a parent considers grotesque or unseemly may have been donned to provoke or gauge a reaction so sometimes it is better not to express an opinion.

Left out
The danger, for harassed parents, is to feel that their teenager no longer needs them as the messages received from them are perceived as rejection. “Stop fussing”, and “I can manage” are over-used phrases but in reality they like the idea that you are still concerned for them and, although they could probably never admit it, they do still need you around. The art is to get the message that you care across to them without them feeling you are being over protective.

Mixed messages
Society treats this age group differently depending on the setting. In schools they are still children who are meant to just do what they are told without question, in their job at weekends or during the holidays they are treated more like adults whilst at home their behaviour probably dictates how they are treated. Is it any wonder they are confused!
At times they will want to be treated as an adult whilst at others they are happy to be the child as this is safer and less threatening than having to accept responsibility that comes with being an adult.

Increased responsibility
Most teenagers are desperate to grow up whilst also frightened of doing so as this will bring responsibilities that can appear terrifying. This is why it is so important to start giving them responsibility for small aspects of their lives early and gradually increase it as they grow. As mentioned in previous articles, getting them to be responsible for clearing their rooms (and cleaning it when they are old enough), managing an allowance rather than you controlling their finances, etc. will help reduce the fear of being independent as they will grow into it, rather than suddenly being faced with another huge change in their lives.

Physical change
They will have moved from being a child to adult in their bodies and for many this is quite a traumatic experience which requires a lot of adjustment, however much they do or do not want it. Although there is really nothing in particular that can prepare a child for the physical changes, it is important that they are aware that the changes are normal.

The future
Older teenagers also have to face the issues of their future and what courses to take at school or university when they may well have no idea what they want to do and parents who are expecting them to be civilised human being as well.
How much change can we as adults absorb in a few years without wobbling? We must not forget that many parents are part of a partnership with another person to help them through while the youngsters will feel they are taking on the world alone.

Seeking solutions
If you are unable to negotiate peacefully with your teenager, then making a written agreement with them can sometimes help them to understand that life at home is not a one way ticket in their favour, or yours. It can be a way of clarifying what you expect from them and what they can expect from you but also needs to be clear about what happens when things go wrong and one of you does not keep your side of the bargain.

Personal experience
We had a 17 year old living with us when things in his own home had broken down completely. He had dropped out of school and the world owed him (none of us knew what it owed him but he was sure it did). We found him a job and undertook to get him there on time every morning but he had to get himself up and do his packed lunch without any input from us. He was only late once and missed out on lunch twice but never complained as he was aware that he had let himself down. His washing only got done if he put it out for me and so there were the occasions when he did not have his preferred clothes to wear but he soon learnt. He also had to give us a percentage of his earnings towards his keep and this was the biggest area of contention throughout his stay but I would occasionally take him shopping so that he could see for himself what a weekly shop cost and this helped. We laid down clear instructions about going out at night and for the most part he conformed so we were fortunate. He was also surprised that we showed an interest in what he was up to. Casual enquiries about where they are going, or have been, often get a better response that direct questioning.
I have also found that a teenager is more likely to talk if they are helping you do something, as opposed to just sitting, and many of the best conversations I have had have been whilst cooking or driving in the car as they do not have to look at you and can change the subject easily if it becomes too uncomfortable for them.

To survive this period parents need the Wisdom of Solomon and the patience of a saint. Be aware that all teenagers are different so with one parents may enjoy an easy journey through this period while another will make it feel like hell. Good luck.